Motivation is hard to come by, these days

07.23.2011

some days I wonder where I find it. I guess I just need a bit of inspiration and some encouragement. I don’t do well with being criticized because it’s usually not constructive criticism, they just tell you that you suck. And you’re left hanging there- wondering what you did so wrong. So yep. That’s where I am while driving. Going over possible scenarios when you have about a million in front of you…. this is like immense multi tasking and quite stressful. I need to figure out how to relax before I get stressed out. I get so stressed. My legs get so tense especially, they’re so tight and I bite the inside of my lips. Gosh, bad, bad habits. My mom keeps badgering me too, ‘why don’t you like driving? why do you keep putting it off? you have to motivate us to take you, not the other way around’ er. that’s like asking you to electrocute my legs while I watch as people jump out me and almost hit me. Tell me why exactly I am the least bit motivated to do this? But of course, it’s me. I don’t say this to her face. I suck it up and hide inside myself and wish she’d just stop asking, and usually this proves to be pretty effective. either that or they sit me down in front of me and interrogate me, then the best way to get out is to talk until your brain hurts. They love when I talk. Sort-of. I mean, they like it better than when I’m quiet, but it’s hard for me to openly talk. I’ve always been used to being cautious and keeping my mouth shut as before it used to keep me out of punishment, if my mouth was shut, I would not be framed for “balk talking” or “mouthing off” so it’s been a trained habit that’s saved me quite a few times and now they want me to talk? Yeah. Well, I am kind of trained not to do that so it’ll be harder-than-not to open my mouth. I mean it’s fine with friends, none of them have ever backhanded me for mouthing off or blabbing whatever is on my mind. So I guess that answers that question- er, moving on.
Motivation. My life right now is very seemingly stationary. I don’t have a job, no steady income and no real plans for my future. But I’m not that bad, as a senior. At least I know I’m set for graduation and my grades are pretty good, I guess. So what. I don’t know how to go about doing this stuff but  you know, I’ll figure it out. I kind of want to get a job training dogs, it’d be a killer job- I’d love it to death, who gives a damn about the owners, I’ll train their dog my way regardless and it’ll all work out great. so enjoy peeps. I know what I’m doing.
So that’s what I want to do for a job, I just have to figure out how to apply now.   It’ll even give me a legit income. It would be so great to be self-sufficient, I hate feeling like I’m just sucking money out of my parents and they (well, my mom) loves to point out how much “I cost” ugh, so that takes care of that- right. Now I just have to do it…
Motivation- please kick in soon!
After I get this job I can get a puppy. Of course this is NOT the course my parents want me to take. they want me to get a job, go to college, get a career oriented job then do whatever the heck I want with my life.
But I think God is telling me to do otherwise… if not, why do I dream, breathe and live dogs… this is what I want to do… It almost feels like this is what I need to do. Regardless of the standards they set for me or what they tell me.
Yes. I want a career and a well paying job and I have to go to college and figure out my plan of action NOW.
But I still want to carry out God’s plan for me too. I can do both. Tori Self does both, so does Megan Miller. (but some how it seems both of their parents pay for all of their stuff, I’ll be the different one, but who cares. I can do this!) I can devote myself to my two parallel paths. and accomplish both of them. Tell me who says I can’t and I’ll prove them wrong. I can do this, I can figure it out and work my arse off in the process but it’ll be worth it. Achieving my dreams and goals and, well, doing what I need to do.
Now for a career. I’ve been pondering over the two options of a Lawyer or an Environmental Scientist.  Each seems interesting but  I still feel like I wish I knew how it was to be in each position (so-to-speak)
//just took a fatty aptitude test to find out you have to pay $40 to get the *top* results.
but what I got, I deemed fairly valuable intel.
11. Editor; either for a newspaper or other company before documents are published *ahem, already am… sort-of
12. psychologist
13. Lawer/ Judge ; something in the legal field
(and the list goes on, but I like those options) I think Environmental Scientist is up in the top 10…. partially because I admitted I’d rather help rehabilitate wolves than go on a resort vacation and that I would rather be on a wildlife reserve rather than in a city. But it’s all true, there were a few hard calls but most of the questions had an answer (or two) that worked for me.
So now I still need motivation…. however I feel slightly more accomplished- I did take a career aptitude test and I kind of figured out what I wanted to do for a during-school job…. which will help pay for college with two dogs…. There is no way I’m not getting that puppy, however I’m kind of worried about George moving, not like we’ve ever moved before and when we’ve gone visiting he’s always so uncomfortable. Hmm. Maybe he’ll only live with me part-time so he can adjust. Hmm. I still can’t picture living without him. (as he continues to lick his paw and wipe it over his face like a cat..) gosh I have a weird dog!
wow, I am kind-of surprised at how much I wrote. I had like zero motivation to even start writing this until well I opened a blank page and felt the urge to fill it with words. That usually happens when I open a blank page which is partially why I enjoy writing so much. Just about anything. Although I seem to have lost my touch with my “imaginary” world. I should probably write a mythical little story soon- just to touch base with myself. Then I’ll try for realistic fiction. eh. We’ll see how much I actually get accomplished.
Farmer’s market tomorrow. My parents want me to come and practice driving… my response: HECK NO. Er.. I hope they don’t  make me wake up that early to go drive. it’s like  hell on top of hell. urghhhh. I mean, if we were driving to an agility place, that would be different. The stress and torture would be completley worth it to see the gleaming material, step inside the arena and breathe in the fresh country air.  Just picturing it sounds like heaven….
Love. as it stands, I currently remain in this odd state of thinking about another person over and over and over. It’s quite annoying really. But I’m starting to get used to it. It’s always between the concept of a puppy and him. (mostly the puppy though… heh..) Sometimes I think about both at the same time. Like my dream last night. It was so sweet, so peaceful and it felt so real, when I woke up this morning it felt real, but I knew it was too good to be true. I love and hate dreams like that… hmm… someday.
anyways, 1374 words later…
good night!

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